The Perfect Dinner Party (depending on who you ask)
By Maggie Murphy
Jennifer Garant Contest #2
1) Ellen DeGeneres as Dory in “Finding Nemo”
Robert De Niro as Paul Vitti in “Analyze That”
3) Will Ferrell as Harry Caray (SNL)
4) Cheri Oteri as Colette Reardon (SNL)
An Update/Background on
Dory is a Regal/Blue Tang fish who still suffers from short-term memory loss that she thinks may run in her family. She loves parties and recently took up international travel after she became bored with what
Paul Vitti is a mob leader with serious anger issues. He ended up in prison a couple of years ago after he tried to assassinate a friend of the Rigazzi family and was uncharacteristically caught. He was just recently released due to a reoccurring medical condition and has his therapist, Dr. Ben Sobel, on speed dial in case of another relapse.
Harry Caray, a well-known Chicago Cubs broadcaster, faked his death in 1998 to avoid yet another confrontation with his first partner, Milo Hamilton. Harry is in town for the weekend and graciously accepted my dinner invitation in hopes to gain some pointers from his long-time pal, “Vit,” on how to successfully knock someone off and evade the clink.
Colette Reardon is still addicted to prescription drugs
even after a few stints in rehab last summer. She came to the party tonight with only
one thing on her mind… getting her next fix. Colette can’t help but to shift her
focus, however, when she meets Harry for the first time and becomes hopelessly
smitten with him and his abnormally large spectacles and incredible charm.
First course --- Moon-shaped Cheese Log with Dipping Crackers and
Second course --- Garden Salad with Cranberries (Colette)
Third course --- Spaghetti in Meat Sauce with French Bread (Paul)
Fourth course --- Forget-Me-Not Cookies (Dory)
3/4 c. sugar
1 - 6 oz. bag chocolate chips
Dash of salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. chopped pecans
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Beat whites until foamy. Add salt. Add sugar gradually, beating until stiff. Fold vanilla, chocolate chips and pecans in to the mix. Drop by teaspoon on foil-lined pan. Place in oven. Turn off oven. Do not open oven for 8 hours.
It’s Saturday night, and Maggie Murphy has invited over some dear friends and cooked up something special for each of them. All of the guests have arrived, with the exception of Harry.
Maggie: Oh, that must be Harry!
[Maggie walks over to the front door and opens it.]
Maggie: Hi-ya, Harry!!
Harry: Hey. HEY!! HI!!
[Harry pauses - his head bobbles back and forth like a bobble head doll.]
Harry: Harry Cary, here! (head bobbling)
Maggie: Come on in; won’t you, Harry?
[Harry walks inside and sees the group, already seated in the dining room.]
Harry: HEY GANG!! (pauses, head bobbling) HEY, EVERYBODY!! Harry Cary, here!
Maggie: I believe you know just about everyone, but we can go around the room for some introductions if you’d like.
Harry: All right!! Lemme hear ya!! (head bobbling)
[Colette hears Harry come in; she is seated with her back to him, and has been busy pulling out all of her prescriptions and organizing the bottles alphabetically in front of her. She turns to face Harry and is instantly infatuated with him. She fumbles for her lipstick in her extra-large bag, stands, and walks over to Harry.]
Maggie: Harry, this is Colette Reardon. I don’t believe you two have met. Colette, Harry’s a baseball man!!
Harry: Well, HI, Mrs. Reardon. (head bobbling)
Colette: That’s MS. Reardon to you, sausage smuggler!
[Colette takes a quick glance down at Harry’s pants and applies lipstick – all over her face.]
Dory: Hi. I’m Dory.
[Dory is happily perched on the rim of the aquarium, which I have moved into the dining room to accommodate her for this evening’s party.]
Harry: HEY!! HI! (head bobbling)
[Collette purposely tries to steal Harry’s attention, and moves back into his line of sight.]
Colette: Hey, Har! Can you believe all the choices out there for athlete’s foot? It’s a good time to be medicated. Good time. GOOD TIME. (head jerks to the side - an uncontrollable drug-induced tick she’s had for years)
Harry: That’s somethin’.
Colette: Yeah, Allylamine. (head jerks) It’s a fungal-kickin’ topical from the Terbinafine and Amorolfine fam, but I prefer fast actin’ Tinactin! HA HA!! (head jerks). Unless of course it’s the yeast causin’ my fungus to rear it’s ugly head, and then I’d use Fluconazole along with 2,000 millies of Darvocet… fer mah finger!
[Colette holds up her index finger and shows everyone in the room her imaginary ailment.]
Harry: (confused, head bobbling) Well, Okay.
Maggie: Uh, Harry, please; let me show you to your seat.
[Maggie escorts Harry across the room and directs him to an empty seat at the table.]
Dory: Hi. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Dory.
Harry: Dory… Harry Cary, here (head bobbling).
Dory: Oh. Harry. That’s a nice name.
[The toliet flushes and Paul comes out of the bathroom to join the rest of the group seated at the table.]
Maggie: Paul, look who made it? Your ol’ friend, Harry!
Harry: Hey, Vit!! (head bobbles) HI!! (pauses, head bobbles) HOW’S IT HANGIN’?! (head bobbles)
Paul: Uh, yeah. Hi. So, where’s the food?
Maggie: Oh, Paul… it’ll be ready, shortly. Have an appetizer or two, to tide you
over. Harry, I made your favorite
moon-shaped cheese log! And, you’ve
just got to try the cranberry
salad. Please, everyone, help
yourselves while I go check on the main course.
[Maggie leaves room and everyone starts to snack on the horderves.]
Paul: Look at the size of this table. You could fit three dead bodies under here (looks under table).
[Everyone looks at Paul and silence fills the room for a minute and a half. Harry attempts to break the silence by changing the subject.]
Harry: HEY! (pauses) Now Vit, (head bobbles as he lifts a cracker off the serving tray, and dips it into the ball of cheese), we all know that the moon is not made of cheese. But… but what if it were made of roasted duck with orange sauce? Would you eat it, then? (long pause, head bobbles as he looks over at Paul) I know I would. (pauses, head bobbles) Heck, I’d have seconds. And then, then I’d polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser (head bobbles). I would do it… would you?
[Paul stares blankly at Harry, annoyed.]
Harry: Now, don’t jerk me around, Vit! It’s a simple question (head bobbles). Would you EAT the moon if it were MADE of roast duck?
Paul: I grew up in
Harry: It’s not rocket science (pauses, head bobbles). Just say, “Yes,” and we’ll move on (head bobbles).
Harry: Good call. (head bobbles)
[Dory looks over at Paul, leans closer to him, and pouts her lips to speak in a baby-talk fashion.]
Dory: Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what’cha gotta do?
Paul: No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.
Dory: (singing and swaying back and forth in the water) Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim, swim.
Paul: Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery, would you?
Dory: (still singing) Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho – I love to swiiiiim! When you want to swim….
Paul: ENOUGH already!!
[Maggie enters the room with large bowl of spaghetti topped with meat sauce and a platter of warm French bread.]
Maggie: Dinner is served!
Paul: Oh, we got food. Good. (bellies up to the table)
Maggie: Did you all enjoy your salads?
[Maggie looks over at Colette and only sees a plate of lettuce - and no cranberries.]
Colette: Super! So what do you make of this new painkiller that’s comin’ out on the market?
Maggie: Colette, nevermind about that. Did I not put any cranberries on your
Colette: Cranberries?! Oh, I thought those were the generic version of Furenol. Thought I could use them as a chaser to mah Diazepam that I take fer mah accute anx-anxiety… (suddenly energetic) on account of the holidays comin’ up, Mag!!
Maggie: Are you OK, Colette?
Colette: Well, this mornin’, I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jump-start, you know, just a quick little pick-me-up. I had errands.
Maggie: I’m serious.
Colette: HA HA!! (slaps Harry on the knee)
Maggie: You really ‘ought to be careful, with
those meds, Colette.
Colette: Tell me about it. I’m menopausal.
[Maggie sits down with her guests, and hands the bowl of spaghetti to Paul to serve himself, and then pass around.]
Maggie: Just like your mother used to make, eh, Paul? You haven’t had a home cooked meal in a while, have you?
Paul: Oh, yeah, that’s all I’ve thought about for the last 850 nights - a home cooked meal. Oh, right – tuna casserole! (chuckles to himself at his incredibly bad joke)
[After everyone was served, the room grew quiet as everyone chewed.]
Maggie: So, what have you guys been up to these
Harry: I don’t know about you, but I spend all my free time at the ballpark (head bobbles). Add a few broads, booze and some B.S. - what else do ya need? (head bobbles)
Paul: I like to hit people over the heads with a baseball bat.
Dory: (off in her own little world, still singing) Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…
Colette: Well, you know how depressed I’ve been. Luckily, I found five tabs of Lithium at the bottom of my purse, but my OB/GYN, friend, and lover, Dr. Vancleaf Arpell says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking (head jerks). I’m happy to report, however, that I passed my smear with flyin’ colors! Good hands. GOOD HANDS!!
[Silence falls on the room again. After everyone finishes the main course, Maggie excuses herself to retreive the tray of goody bags for dessert, and returns to the room.]
Paul: Well, I’m outta here before I start singing show tunes or fall into a catatonic state and have to call the doc.
Dory: Boy, I bet that’s frustrating.
Colette: Tell Dr. Sobel I said, “Hi!” Paul.
Maggie: Well, OK, Paul, if you must go. Don’t forget your goodie bag. Dory asked me to send everyone home with
a little basket of my infamous Forget-Me-Not cookies for dessert.
Dory: Dory who?
[Paul snatches the miniature basket out of Maggie’s out-stretched hand and begins to hum the chorus to West Side Story’s “I feel pretty” as he leaves. Colette looks over at Harry.]
Colette: Say, this might be the Benzadrine talking, but you’re a slice of man-meat and this presciption here says, “Take with food.” So, how ‘bout it, Jerky Boy? You wanna meet me down at the porta-potty at the corner of 56th and 3rd? I’ll be sportin’ my best bonnet! (head jerks)
Harry: (blushing) Well, SURE! I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me “Whiskers” (head bobbles)
[Colette drags her forearm along the top of the table, raking all the prescription drugs back into her bag. Harry picks up two goody bags, one for each of them, and they leave together - arm in arm.]
Maggie: Well, Dory, I guess it’s just you and
Dory: Have we met? Hi. I’m Dory.
"The Perfect Dinner Party” by Loretta Neureiter
My perfect dinner party would be a “Mystery Dinner” with the following guests of honor:
Bob Hope, David Copperfield, Lucille Ball, & Bill Cosby
Menu (21 items)
2. Pigmy Chopsticks
3. Headless Horse food
4. Thrown Greens
5. Sunny Sprinkles
6. Runny Red
7. Grave Digger
8. White Delight
9. Spicy Fish Bait
10. Dobber Chin
12. Blushing Balls
13. Daffy Dills
14. Toad Stabber
15. Suburban Harrow
16. Dirty Snow
17. Rainbow’s End
19. Black Gold
20. Jack Benny Special
The menu is explained to the guests. Everyone will start with item # 11 which of course is easy to figure out... a glass of water. From then on each guest will request 5 items from the menu for their next course. They will be served those 5 items only and nothing else. So, let’s start the dinner... choose carefully J
½ lb ground beef
½ lb ground pork
2 sm cloves of garlic, crushed
cubes of bread or bread crumbs
1 Cup Romano cheese
Mix and fry until done.
Drippings from meatballs
Water to equal drippings
Simmer at least 3 hours uncovered.
1. Worms spaghetti
2. Pigmy Chopsticks toothpick
3. Headless Horse food carrots
4. Thrown greens salad
5. Sunny Sprinkles cheese
6. Runny Red punch
7. Grave Digger spoon
8. White Delight whipped cream
9. Spicy Fish Bait garlic bread
10. Dobber chin napkin
11. Htwoo water
12. Blushing balls meatballs
13. Daffy dills pickles
14. Toad Stabber knife
15. Suburban Harrow fork
16. Dirty Snow chocolate pudding
17. Rainbow’s end fruit cup
18. Cobblestones corn
19. Black Gold coffee/tea
21. Mud sauce
The Perfect Dinner Party by Melody
Dinner guests: Hugh Hefner, Paul Newman, Gloria Steinem, and Joan Rivers
GS: Well hello again Hugh. How’s the porn business these days?
HH: Very well thank you…at least my ladies on the couch over there seem to think so.
GS: I hope they are receiving better treatment than I did back when I wore a bunny suit.
HH: Of course they are. That was a lifetime ago, and your article in the “New Yorker” basically ensured that anyway.
JR: Yea, that WAS a lifetime ago! It was around the same time that I had my own experience in that industry, stripping to make ends meet.
PN: Wow Joan… I didn’t know you had it in you.
HH: Me neither! You should have called me.
JR: Those poor bimbos could still learn a thing or two from me – like where to get their boobs done!
GS: That’s exactly what women need…someone to make themselves feel worse about their appearance!
PN: Aww come on Gloria…lighten up. Men are always going to want to look at beautiful women whether they were born that way or not.
JR: And vice versa blue eyes
PN: I may love fast cars and a good drink, but I have only had eyes for Joanne for over 50 years now.
HH: Monogamy does work… for some
GS: You are such a romantic Hef…
JR: Yea, several times over!
PN: Well, at least we can all agree that everyone needs someone to share life with, some find that person early and some take a little longer
GS: Well said Paul
JR: At least that means there is still hope!
HH: Stop by the house Joan, I’ve got an idea…
Lemon Chicken with Olives
· 6-8 skinless chicken pieces (breasts, thighs, and/or legs)
· 1/4 cup oil
· 2 onions, sliced
· 3-4 garlic cloves, chopped
· 1 8-oz. (250 gram) can of green olives without pits, drained
· 1 lemon, sliced
· 1 tsp. paprika
· 1 tsp. turmeric
· 1 tsp. cumin
· 1 tsp. salt
· 1 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
· boiling water
1. In a Dutch oven, saute onions and garlic in oil until golden.
2. Add chicken pieces so they fit in one layer. When the meat is white on one side (3-4 minutes), turn over. When the meat is white on the other side, it is time to add the rest of the ingredients.
3. First, pour the olives on top of the chicken pieces. Then place the lemon slices on top. Then sprinkle the spices on top. Then pour enough boiling water on top to cover the chicken pieces about half way (don't completely submerge them).
4. Cover the Dutch oven. After the mixture boils, turn the heat down to medium. Cook for 30-40 minutes, or until the chicken is cooked through.
"The Perfect Dinner Party" by Chris Golling
Retired Gen. Colin Powell
Darrell Hammond as Crazy SNL Jeopardy Sean Connery
Breaded Zucchini Oval Slices -
Oval-cut zucchini slices covered with Italian-style cheeses and bread crumbs. and grilled chipotle marinated shrimp.
Served with ranch or lemon peppercorn dipping sauce (A bit of all over so can cover Norris)
Weiner Schnitzel With a Proper Potato Salad(Austrian/Freud)
Served with a Select Moscato
Italian Chicken Salad
Chicken breasts are marinated in a rich Italian salad dressing then grilled, and placed on mixed salad greens and plum tomatoes in this easy
Chocolate truffle gateau with black cherries and
white chocolate sauce (Scottish/Connery)
(Bottle of scotch set aside for Mr.
Chianti-Braised Stuffed Chicken Thighs on Egg Noodles
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 pound egg noodles
Mix first 9
ingredients in medium bowl. Place 1 chicken thigh on work surface. Fill area
where bone was removed with 2 tablespoons stuffing. Wrap chicken thigh around
filling and tie with kitchen string to hold together. Repeat with remaining
chicken thighs and stuffing. Sprinkle generously with salt and pepper.
Heat olive oil in heavy large skillet over medium-high heat. Add pancetta; sauté until light brown and fat is rendered, about 5 minutes. Transfer pancetta to paper towels to drain. Add chicken to drippings in skillet; cook until golden on all sides, about 10 minutes. Transfer to plate. Add onion and garlic to skillet; sauté until tender, about 10 minutes. Return pancetta to skillet. Add wine; boil until mixture is reduced to 2 cups, about 12 minutes. Add broth, tomatoes, bay leaf, basil, and chicken thighs; bring to boil. Reduce heat; simmer uncovered until chicken is cooked through, about 35 minutes. (Can be made 1 day ahead. Cool slightly. Chill until cold, then cover and keep chilled. Rewarm over medium heat before continuing.)
Transfer chicken to bowl; cover to keep warm. Simmer sauce in skillet until slightly thickened and reduced to 4 cups, about 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
Meanwhile, cook noodles in large pot of boiling salted water until just tender but still firm to bite. Drain. Transfer noodles to large platter. Top with chicken and sauce and serve.
To drink with it a riserva Chianti
Sean Connery looks down at some of the Battered Zuchini poking it with his knife and says to Dr. Freud in his scottish tongue : Ahhh look here Sigi..this breaded Zucchini looks just like you, you shriveled cowering little gurl.
Sean Connery to all: Ehhh I see we have a beard convention of sorts going on here minus you Colin...so Chuck speaking of beards.... is it true what they say about your..
Chuck Norris stops Mr. Connery mid-sentence and replies somewhat tired and saddened: No Sean...there is not another fist hiding behind my beard..
Sean Connery jumps in with a Snappy reply: Oh so that is your Adams Apple poking through it like a swollen festering testy, HO HO HO HO!
Sigmund Freud enters into the conversation in a slightly held back but serious tone: Excuse me gentlemen, Mr. Connery, your badgering and foul mouth reveal a deep lack of self confidence and the need to..
Mr. Connery Snaps back before Freud can finish: Hah! and who knocked on your little closet door to invite you into the conversation mommas boy??
Chuck Norris tries to steer the conversation away: So Sigmund how long have you been in practice?
Sigmund Freud tries to adjust himself in a professional manner and straightens up and addresses Mr. Connery: Mr. Connery, maybe we should schedule a time for you to come see me..
Sean Connery jumps in: Oh so Mr. "Powders my britches" with the oedipal complex wants me to sit on his couch, with my eyes closed and relax?? I am not gonna give ya the chance ya little weirdo ..
Chuck Norries to Sean: Can't protect yourself from a little old man anymore Mr. 007?
Colin Powell sits up some and looks over at Mr.Connery: Come on now Sean lets calm it down.
Sean Connery looks a little miffed and glares over at Dr. Freud:Oh I see..call in the man with the big guns and the Army. I'm on to your bloody little game you little bastard..
Colin Powell now moving his attention over to Chuck Norris: So chuck, funny story. Some of our troops were going through our survival school, teaching them how to resist torture and such if captured in combat and well one of the students was brought in to our fake interrogators, they searched the student and you wanna guess what they found?
Sean Connery tries to be funny with a sly evil grin: A 24 year old bottle of scotch?
Dr. Freud being serious: A shaken young soul forcing his frustrations internally?
Chuck Norris being interested in the story asks: What Colin?
Colin Powell with a humorous look, chuckling to himself replies: They found a piece of folded paper in the students pocket and when they opened it up it said "Don't worry everybody, Chuck Norris is coming to save me"
Chuck Norris laughs out loud: Ha ha ha!
Sean Connery does the same is his loud owl like manner: Ho ho ho ho!
Chuck Norris still laughing: I assume he was expecting me to be levetating in a non-stop roundhouse kick through the doors, hahaha?
Sigmund Freud looking a little miffed about the answer mutters a: Hmmmf. That poor young boy probably needed serious counseling after such a situation...
Sean Connery still laughing some and taking a swig from a hidden flask of scotch he brought: Well look at you ya little boy lover, would ya like to go give him a hug and bring some of this food over to him too now?
Colin Powell steps back into the mix: Cool it Sean. Sigmund I assure you he was just fine, it's just training that they go through with plenty of officials from every department on scene.
Sigmund Freud with sincere concern in his voice: I surely hope so, I would like to get a first hand look at the facilities you keep these men in, in this training.
Sean Connery laughing almost spitting out his drink: I bet you would..
Sigmund Freud infuriated and insulted: Mr. Connery!
Colin and Chuck: Sean!
*The lid of other appetizer is lifted,Weiner Schnitzel *
Sean Connery still heckling Dr. Freud with a sly look on his face but with actually fact in his witty response: Oh look Sigi WEINER Schnitzel ...I believe this is one of your favorites...