The Perfect Dinner Party (depending on who you ask)

By Maggie Murphy

Jennifer Garant Contest #2

The Dinner Guests:
1)  Ellen DeGeneres as Dory in “Finding Nemo”

2)  Robert De Niro as Paul Vitti in “Analyze That”
3)  Will Ferrell as Harry Caray (SNL)

4)  Cheri Oteri as Colette Reardon (SNL)

An Update/Background on the Guests:
Dory is a Regal/Blue Tang fish who still suffers from short-term memory loss that she thinks may run in her family.  She loves parties and recently took up international travel after she became bored with what Sydney had to offer.

Paul Vitti is a mob leader with serious anger issues.  He ended up in prison a couple of years ago after he tried to assassinate a friend of the Rigazzi family and was uncharacteristically caught.  He was just recently released due to a reoccurring medical condition and has his therapist, Dr. Ben Sobel, on speed dial in case of another relapse. 

Harry Caray, a well-known Chicago Cubs broadcaster, faked his death in 1998 to avoid yet another confrontation with his first partner, Milo Hamilton.  Harry is in town for the weekend and graciously accepted my dinner invitation in hopes to gain some pointers from his long-time pal, “Vit,” on how to successfully knock someone off and evade the clink.

Colette Reardon is still addicted to prescription drugs even after a few stints in rehab last summer.  She came to the party tonight with only one thing on her mind… getting her next fix.  Colette can’t help but to shift her focus, however, when she meets Harry for the first time and becomes hopelessly smitten with him and his abnormally large spectacles and incredible charm.

The Menu:
First course --- Moon-shaped Cheese Log with Dipping Crackers and Champagne (Harry)

Second course --- Garden Salad with Cranberries (Colette)

Third course --- Spaghetti in Meat Sauce with French Bread (Paul)

Fourth course --- Forget-Me-Not Cookies (Dory)

The Recipe:

Forget-Me-Not Cookies

Ingredients

2 egg whites
3/4 c. sugar
1 - 6 oz. bag chocolate chips
Dash of salt
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. chopped pecans

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Beat whites until foamy.  Add salt.  Add sugar gradually, beating until stiff.  Fold vanilla, chocolate chips and pecans in to the mix.  Drop by teaspoon on foil-lined pan.  Place in oven.  Turn off oven.  Do not open oven for 8 hours.

The Setting:

It’s Saturday night, and Maggie Murphy has invited over some dear friends and cooked up something special for each of them.  All of the guests have arrived, with the exception of Harry. 

The Script:

[Doorbell rings.]

Maggie:  Oh, that must be Harry!

[Maggie walks over to the front door and opens it.]

Maggie:  Hi-ya, Harry!!
Harry:  Hey.  HEY!!  HI!!

[Harry pauses - his head bobbles back and forth like a bobble head doll.]

Harry:  Harry Cary, here!  (head bobbling)

Maggie:  Come on in; won’t you, Harry?

[Harry walks inside and sees the group, already seated in the dining room.]

Harry:  HEY GANG!! (pauses, head bobbling)  HEY, EVERYBODY!!  Harry Cary, here!
Maggie:  I believe you know just about everyone, but we can go around the room for some introductions if you’d like.
Harry:  All right!!  Lemme hear ya!!  (head bobbling)

[Colette hears Harry come in; she is seated with her back to him, and has been busy pulling out all of her prescriptions and organizing the bottles alphabetically in front of her.  She turns to face Harry and is instantly infatuated with him.  She fumbles for her lipstick in her extra-large bag, stands, and walks over to Harry.]

Maggie:  Harry, this is Colette Reardon.  I don’t believe you two have met.  Colette, Harry’s a baseball man!!

Harry:  Well, HI, Mrs. Reardon. (head bobbling)

Colette:  That’s MS. Reardon to you, sausage smuggler! 

[Colette takes a quick glance down at Harry’s pants and applies lipstick – all over her face.]

Dory:  Hi.  I’m Dory.

[Dory is happily perched on the rim of the aquarium, which I have moved into the dining room to accommodate her for this evening’s party.]

Harry:  HEY!!  HI!  (head bobbling)

[Collette purposely tries to steal Harry’s attention, and moves back into his line of sight.]

Colette:  Hey, Har!  Can you believe all the choices out there for athlete’s foot?  It’s a good time to be medicated.  Good time.  GOOD TIME.  (head jerks to the side - an uncontrollable drug-induced tick she’s had for years)

Harry:  That’s somethin’.

Colette:  Yeah, Allylamine.  (head jerks)  It’s a fungal-kickin’ topical from the Terbinafine and Amorolfine fam, but I prefer fast actin’ Tinactin!  HA HA!! (head jerks).  Unless of course it’s the yeast causin’ my fungus to rear it’s ugly head, and then I’d use Fluconazole along with 2,000 millies of Darvocet… fer mah finger!

[Colette holds up her index finger and shows everyone in the room her imaginary ailment.]

Harry:  (confused, head bobbling) Well, Okay.

Maggie:  Uh, Harry, please; let me show you to your seat.

[Maggie escorts Harry across the room and directs him to an empty seat at the table.]

Dory:  Hi.  I don’t believe we’ve met.  I’m Dory.

Harry:  Dory… Harry Cary, here (head bobbling).  Chicago’s finest!
Dory:  Oh.  Harry.  That’s a nice name.

[The toliet flushes and Paul comes out of the bathroom to join the rest of the group seated at the table.]

Maggie:  Paul, look who made it?  Your ol’ friend, Harry!

Harry:  Hey, Vit!!  (head bobbles) HI!!  (pauses, head bobbles)  HOW’S IT HANGIN’?!  (head bobbles)
Paul:  Uh, yeah.  Hi.  So, where’s the food?

Maggie:  Oh, Paul… it’ll be ready, shortly.  Have an appetizer or two, to tide you over.  Harry, I made your favorite moon-shaped cheese log!  And, you’ve just got to try the cranberry salad.  Please, everyone, help yourselves while I go check on the main course. 

[Maggie leaves room and everyone starts to snack on the horderves.]

Paul:  Look at the size of this table.  You could fit three dead bodies under here (looks under table).

[Everyone looks at Paul and silence fills the room for a minute and a half.  Harry attempts to break the silence by changing the subject.]

Harry:  HEY!  (pauses)  Now Vit, (head bobbles as he lifts a cracker off the serving tray, and dips it into the ball of cheese), we all know that the moon is not made of cheese.  But… but what if it were made of roasted duck with orange sauce?  Would you eat it, then? (long pause, head bobbles as he looks over at Paul)  I know I would.  (pauses, head bobbles)  Heck, I’d have seconds.  And then, then I’d polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser (head bobbles).  I would do it…  would you?

[Paul stares blankly at Harry, annoyed.]

Harry:  Now, don’t jerk me around, Vit!  It’s a simple question (head bobbles).  Would you EAT the moon if it were MADE of roast duck?

Paul:  I grew up in East Harlem and joined a street gang when I was twelve.  And you expect me to answer THAT?!
Harry:  It’s not rocket science (pauses, head bobbles).  Just say, “Yes,” and we’ll move on (head bobbles).

Paul:  NO!!
Harry:  Good call. (head bobbles)

[Dory looks over at Paul, leans closer to him, and pouts her lips to speak in a baby-talk fashion.]

Dory:  Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills.  When life gets you down, you know what’cha gotta do?

Paul:  No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.

Dory:  (singing and swaying back and forth in the water)  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.  What do we do?  We swim, swim, swim.

Paul:  Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery, would you?

Dory:  (still singing)  Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho – I love to swiiiiim!  When you want to swim….

Paul:  ENOUGH already!!

Dory:  Sorry.

[Maggie enters the room with large bowl of spaghetti topped with meat sauce and a platter of warm French bread.]

Maggie:  Dinner is served!
Paul:  Oh, we got food.  Good.  (bellies up to the table)

Maggie:  Did you all enjoy your salads?

[Maggie looks over at Colette and only sees a plate of lettuce - and no cranberries.]

Maggie:  Colette?

Colette:  Super!  So what do you make of this new painkiller that’s comin’ out on the market?

Maggie:  Colette, nevermind about that.  Did I not put any cranberries on your salad?
Colette:  Cranberries?!  Oh, I thought those were the generic version of Furenol.  Thought I could use them as a chaser to mah Diazepam that I take fer mah accute anx-anxiety… (suddenly energetic) on account of the holidays comin’ up, Mag!!

Maggie:  Are you OK, Colette?
Colette:  Well, this mornin’, I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jump-start, you know, just a quick little pick-me-up.  I had errands.

Maggie:  I’m serious.

Colette:  HA HA!! (slaps Harry on the knee)

Maggie:  You really ‘ought to be careful, with those meds, Colette.
Colette:  Tell me about it.  I’m menopausal.

[Maggie sits down with her guests, and hands the bowl of spaghetti to Paul to serve himself, and then pass around.]

Maggie:  Just like your mother used to make, eh, Paul?  You haven’t had a home cooked meal in a while, have you?

Paul:  Oh, yeah, that’s all I’ve thought about for the last 850 nights - a home cooked meal.  Oh, right – tuna casserole!  (chuckles to himself at his incredibly bad joke)

[After everyone was served, the room grew quiet as everyone chewed.]

Maggie:  So, what have you guys been up to these days?
Harry:  I don’t know about you, but I spend all my free time at the ballpark (head bobbles).  Add a few broads, booze and some B.S. - what else do ya need?  (head bobbles)
Paul:  I like to hit people over the heads with a baseball bat.

Dory:  (off in her own little world, still singing)  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

Colette:  Well, you know how depressed I’ve been.  Luckily, I found five tabs of Lithium at the bottom of my purse, but my OB/GYN, friend, and lover, Dr. Vancleaf Arpell says I probably shouldn’t mix prescriptions on account of the drinking (head jerks).  I’m happy to report, however, that I passed my smear with flyin’ colors!  Good hands.  GOOD HANDS!!

[Silence falls on the room again.  After everyone finishes the main course, Maggie excuses herself to retreive the tray of goody bags for dessert, and returns to the room.]

Paul:  Well, I’m outta here before I start singing show tunes or fall into a catatonic state and have to call the doc.

Dory:  Boy, I bet that’s frustrating.

Colette:  Tell Dr. Sobel I said, “Hi!” Paul.

Maggie:  Well, OK, Paul, if you must go.  Don’t forget your goodie bag.  Dory asked me to send everyone home with a little basket of my infamous Forget-Me-Not cookies for dessert.
Dory:  Dory who?

[Paul snatches the miniature basket out of Maggie’s out-stretched hand and begins to hum the chorus to West Side Story’s “I feel pretty” as he leaves.  Colette looks over at Harry.]

Colette:  Say, this might be the Benzadrine talking, but you’re a slice of man-meat and this presciption here says, “Take with food.”  So, how ‘bout it, Jerky Boy?  You wanna meet me down at the porta-potty at the corner of 56^th and 3^rd?  I’ll be sportin’ my best bonnet!  (head jerks)

Harry:  (blushing)  Well, SURE!  I’m curious as a cat.  I have a couple of friends that call me “Whiskers”  (head bobbles)

[Colette drags her forearm along the top of the table, raking all the prescription drugs back into her bag.  Harry picks up two goody bags, one for each of them, and they leave together - arm in arm.]

Maggie:  Well, Dory, I guess it’s just you and me. 
Dory:  Have we met?  Hi.  I’m Dory.
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"The Perfect Dinner Party” by Loretta Neureiter

My perfect dinner party would be a “Mystery Dinner” with the following guests of honor:

Bob Hope, David Copperfield, Lucille Ball, & Bill Cosby

Menu  (21 items)

1.       Worms

2.       Pigmy Chopsticks

3.       Headless Horse food

4.       Thrown Greens

5.       Sunny Sprinkles

6.       Runny Red

7.       Grave Digger

8.       White Delight

9.       Spicy Fish Bait

10.   Dobber Chin

11.   Htwoo

12.   Blushing Balls

13.   Daffy Dills

14.   Toad Stabber

15.   Suburban Harrow

16.   Dirty Snow

17.   Rainbow’s End

18.   Cobblestones

19.   Black Gold

20.   Jack Benny Special

21.   Mud

The menu is explained to the guests. Everyone will start with item # 11 which of course is easy to figure out... a glass of water. From then on each guest will request 5 items from the menu for their next course. They will be served those 5 items only and nothing else. So, let’s start the dinner... choose carefully J

 Bob upon arriving explains “ the lear jet he came in on flew so high he could hear the angels singing, to which David replies “is that the ones I just made disappear? Over the course of the dinner Bill leans over to Lucille and says “I’m surprised to see you at a dinner party, I thought you were trying to get into shape.” Lucille elbows him and says “ I am! Round is  still a shape isn’t it?” Lucille asks “is the sauce is home made? “  I reply “Yes of course it is”. Bill states that the blushing balls are just great. I tell him I will share the recipe later. As David gets his thrown greens during the first course he says that it reminds him of a great joke. “Anyone want to hear it?”  Bob says yes as long as it’s not the old joke about the 4 main food groups... You know the one about them being Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate. Lucille... “I love chocolate!” No, no, no, says David it’s not that old joke. That one disappeared a long time ago.  Bill, “well go on David tell us this great joke of yours”.  “Okay says David “Knock , knock...”  Bill “Whose there?”  David “Lettuce” Bill “Lettuce who?” David “Lettuce in and we’ll tell you.” Bob says the mud he is eating reminds him of a story... “A family of 3 tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato  started to lag behind. The big father tomato walks back to baby tomato, stomps on her squashing her to a red paste and says “Ketchup!” After the laughter dies down Bob leans over and looks  at the piece of cake that Lucille brought with her. What’s up with the cake he asks.  Lucille replies “well I told you before I love chocolate... so I bring my own just in case the hostess doesn’t serve any.  This happens to be a piece of my birthday cake”  Bob “I can tell by the candles  “You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”  Party would probably end with Lucille’s cake on Bob’s head!

 Blushing Balls (homemade meatballs)  

½ lb ground beef  
½ lb ground pork
2 sm cloves of garlic, crushed     
2 eggs
cubes of bread or bread crumbs   
1 Cup Romano cheese                                                                                                                                                                                             

Mix and fry until done.

Sauce

Crushed tomatoes  
Tomato paste
Drippings from meatballs
Water to equal drippings                                                                                                                                                                                                  
Simmer at least 3 hours uncovered.

 Mystery Dinner

1.       Worms                                     spaghetti

2.       Pigmy Chopsticks                    toothpick

3.       Headless Horse food               carrots

4.       Thrown greens                        salad

5.       Sunny Sprinkles                       cheese

6.       Runny Red                               punch

7.       Grave Digger                           spoon

8.       White Delight                         whipped cream

9.       Spicy Fish Bait                         garlic bread

10.   Dobber chin                             napkin 

11.   Htwoo                                      water

12.   Blushing balls                          meatballs

13.   Daffy dills                                pickles

14.   Toad Stabber                           knife

15.   Suburban Harrow                     fork

16.   Dirty Snow                               chocolate pudding

17.   Rainbow’s end                        fruit cup

18.   Cobblestones                          corn

19.   Black Gold                              coffee/tea

20.   Jack Benny Special                  jello
21. Mud                                   sauce   
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